


I Took The Blows

by ItsMeGetOverIt



Series: My Way [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Coulson is protective, Divorce mentioned, F/M, Marriage isn't easy, and 2x14 love in the time of hydra, during 2x09 ye who enter here, fighting to fix relationship, secrets are finally shared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 13:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10742637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsMeGetOverIt/pseuds/ItsMeGetOverIt
Summary: Fitz can see where their marriage is headed. He's just stepping up to make the call. Jemma will be happy. Won't she? Why wouldn't she? He's not the same man she married.Sometimes you have to fight to fix things. And this fight has been a long time coming. Things assumed better left unsaid are said.Connected to my other 'My Way' stories. Can be read separate, but makes more sense if the others are read.





	I Took The Blows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soulofaminaanima](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulofaminaanima/gifts).



> Connected to my other 'My Way' stories, so maybe they should be read first. And dedicated to soulofaminaanima for their lovely review on the other story in this 'When Their Was Doubt' which inspired me to dig this mostly finished work out of my computer and finish it off. Thank-you! 
> 
> _For what is a man, what has he got?_  
>  _If not himself, then he has naught._  
>  _To say the things he truly feels;_  
>  _And not the words of one who kneels._  
>  _The record shows I took the blows -_  
>  _And did it my way!_  
>  'My Way' sung by Frank Sinatra

~.~ during- 2x09 Ye Who Enter Here ~.~

Jemma felt like everything was spinning out of her control. This was not how her conversation with Fitz was supposed to go. Not at all.

"But why?" she choked out.

"You know why. You're clearly more capable than I am. At this point anyway," he bitterly retorted.

"That's not true!" She tried to argue with him but she could see in his face that she wasn't going to be get through to him. "You just need more time to heal and…"

"I've had time," he cut her off. "And I'm… I'm not better. So you should run the lab. And I can work for you, but I can't work with you. We," she watched the muscle in his jaw clench. Probably trying to get back under control. "I think we should make," he cleared his throat, and Jemma felt her stomach plummet at the look on his face, "make this all more official."

"More official?" she breathed around the lump forming in her throat.

"Yeah." He wasn't looking at her. She suspected he couldn't. "I-I'll start getting the paperwork together."

Jemma felt like the air was being sucked out of her lungs.

No. This wasn't how this conversation was meant to go. Please, no. It almost sounds like he's working up the courage to…

"After this mission, I'll file for a… a divorce. I think that’s what's best."

Jemma felt the edges of the room darken and the strength leave her knees. Her desperate cry was locked in her throat as she watched him. Fitz stood there, not looking at her, his bad arm twitching at his side before he promptly turned and made a hasty exit from the Quinjet.

Her legs gave out from under her and Jemma could feel a bubble rising in her throat.

_NO!_

No. Not Fitz. Not _Fitz_. She couldn't lose him. Not her Fitz. She wasn't strong enough for that.

After all she'd suffered. After all she'd been through. After all she'd done to keep him safe; to help him get better! She couldn't lose him. Not now. Not ever. Not Fitz.

There was an odd noise ringing in her ears. She held her hand over her ears to try and stop it.

It was only then that she realised the noise was coming _from_ her.

She was screaming. Screaming out all her hurt. Her pain.

Let the universe take it all from her. Her brothers. Her cousins. Her parents. All her friends. Her family's heritage. All her work. Her job. Her _child_!

But **_not_** _her Fitz_!

She wasn't strong enough for _that_.

~.~

Fitz's feet had barely hit the ground outside the Quinjet when an inhumane sound came screeching out. He jumped. His eyes widened in a panic, and met Mack's eye as he came rushing towards Fitz and the noise. Trip hot on his heels appearing out of nowhere. The two larger dark men sped past him and back into the jet.

Slowly, he climbed the stairs to see what was causing the sound, a small pit of worry growing in his gut at the thought of something having gotten to Jemma as his back was turned.

From the doorway he could see the noise was coming _from_ Jemma.

She looked like she was in a state of blind panic.

The bottom of his stomach dropped away. What the hell happened to her in the mere minutes he'd left her?

She kept screaming and flaying at Mack and Trip as they attempted to approach her; calm her.

He finally caught some of what she was saying.

"Not Fitz."

Trip reached out for her and she snapped to awareness. With her awareness she became feral.

In a blink of an eye she was lashing out at Trip. It was taking the specialist all his concentration to stop her from harming him or herself while she was in this state. Thankfully Mack got behind her and grabbed her before she managed to land any blow on Trip because in this kind of state she might actual have harmed him too. Through all of this she kept calling his name out in a panic. Mack slowly tightened his hold and Jemma's flailing became weaker and weaker until she lost consciousness.

Slowly Mack lowered her to the ground and Fitz felt his heart clench at the sight. Even unconscious she looked troubled. When had that happened? Was it really because of what he'd said to her? No. That can't be right. They've been headed in this direction for a long time. Haven't they?

"What they hell happened between you two?" Mack asked, giving Fitz a probing look.

"I-I-I…" Fitz couldn't get the words out and just shrugged.

"You were talking to her before this happened?" Trip asked, kneeling next to Jemma and checking her vitals.

"Yes," he managed to get out.

"About what?"

"A… a private matter," he stuttered out.

The two men looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to elaborate. He didn't. Their expectant expressions turned to confusion at his silence.

"Her heart is still racing," Trip muttered reaching into the med-pack. "I can wake her, but without knowing what set this off, I can't know what she'll be like when she wakes." Trip looked between them. "This is beyond my medical training. Normally I'd only be assisting Simmons or another doctor with something like this."

Trip ran a hand over Jemma's face, brushing a stray hair away, and she turned away from him, her face scrunched in a state of disturbance. Fitz held his bad arm tighter to his side. He'd just been thinking of doing the same thing. If that's how she reacted to Trip, how would she have reacted if it had been him?

"What can we do?" Mack asked, he started studying his arm.

Fitz now noticed that there were scratch and gouge marks from where Jemma had been resisting him. She had fought this. She really had gone feral.

"I don't know," Trip answered, his voice lacking all his usual joviality. "The only thing I can think is to keep her sedated until her heart-rate lowers. If it doesn't soon we might need to evacuate her out of here."

~.~

"Where's Simmons?" Coulson asked, looking behind them, expectantly.

The three men exchange quiet looks, none of them answering the Director. Both he and Bobbi picked up on the change and gave their full attention to the three men.

"Where is Agent Simmons?" Colson repeated, his look hardening.

"She's needing to take a bit longer on the Quinjet," Mack answered after another longer pause.

"What's happened?" Bobbi asked, taking a step closer to the door her face awash with concern, her arms reaching out to the marks on Mack's arms.

"There was an incident not long after we got here," Trip explained. "Agent Simmons appeared to… she became hysterical sir, and we had to render her unconscious. Forcefully."

"Hysterical over what?" Bobbi pressed looking concerned.

Fitz felt his face flush and couldn't meet anyone's eye. "A private matter."

Bobbi gave Fitz the same confused expression the other two agents had when he'd told them the same thing back on the Quinjet. But Coulson wasn't confused. He knew exactly what must have passed between his two lead scientists.

"Here?! You decided to have that out with her here? Now?" Coulson snapped at his engineer. "I thought you had more sense than this. Clearly, I've over estimated you." He threw a glare at his team. "Is she conscious?" Trip nodded quickly when Coulson looked directly at him. "You all stay here and get this ready. I'm going to make sure Jemma's going to be all right."

The use of her given name more than his tone or anything else made Fitz and the other agents not follow the Director back to the Quinjet.

"The sedative I gave her has left a little groggy, sir," Trip explained quietly and to the side. "That's why she wanted a few moments alone."

"This mission was meant to be the priority, but right now, I need to make sure that she is going to be okay _after_ this. And Agent Fitz, don't expect to leave the base any time soon when we get back," Coulson's tone dropped to freezing levels. "I can't begin to express how disappointed I am."

Coulson didn't wait for any response and left the room at a jog.

~.~ post- 2x14 Love in the Time of HYDRA ~.~

Fitz ran his hand over his head while he paced outside the room Jemma had been using since her return. He needed to have this conversation with her. He'd been putting it off for too long already. Fitz took a deep breath trying to steel his nerves. If he could broach the topic of his move to the garage permanently, this was nothing. Well, it wasn't _nothing_. It was more of a formality really.

Fitz let out the breath. He wished Hunter was around to help him figure this out, that he hadn't up and run out on them. Mack was sympathetic, but he didn't know what _this_ actually felt like.

He raised his hand to knock, but let it hover there for a moment. He lowered it, and huffed at himself in irritation.

It's not like she could get any more upset with him. Right? It's just a signature on a document. A formalisation of something they all know has been on the cards for months. Everyone knew this was coming. Everyone.

Fitz raised his hand to knock again, but the door opened before his fist made contact.

"Are you actually going to knock or are you going to spend the night debating if you're willing to even talk to me outside the door?" Jemma asked. She sounded like she didn't know whether to be annoyed, amused or nervous.

"I-I was wanting to have a talk."

Jemma smiled tightly and nodded.

"Where do you want to talk?" She stepped out of her room and shut the door behind her. Fitz looked at her surprised. "Sorry, I-I assume you'll want to talk somewhere neutral. Not the room I've been using."

"You mean, _your_ room?" he said bitterly.

She flinched at the tone. Wrapping her arms around herself she waited for Fitz to name where they'd talk.

After he remained silent she met his eye and bit back, "Maybe we should go where you and Skye were meeting for all your secret meetings discussing her powers?"

This time it was Fitz who flinched at the tone. He clenched his jaw and ground his right hand into his left. Looking up and down the hallway he gestured for her to follow him. Without saying a word she nodded and trailed after him.

Once he closed the door behind them the tension was almost stifling. They both stood there arms crossed defensively, waiting for the other to break the silence.

Fitz caved first.

"This marriage has been nothing but a f-f… a joke for months," he started. Frustrated at his stumble his voice quickly rose to a shout, "We may as well have it all formalised!"

"No!" Jemma uncrossed her arms. Her hands went to reach for him, but she stopped herself before they touched. "Don't say that. You can't mean it."

"Why? Why not?" Fitz circled around, out of her immediate reach. "I'm giving you your out. Isn't that what you want?"

"NO!" she shouted her voice fearful. Tears start falling freely down her face as she met his eye. "I could never want that! You are the one thing I could never bear the thought of losing." Fitz watched as she struggled to catch her breath after her outburst. "Not you. Please Fitz, we can still work this out. Please." She stook half a step towards him. "When things are less hectic with S.H.I.E.L.D. we can... "

"No." It wasn't as firm as Fitz had wanted, but he hadn't expect Jemma to start crying. He couldn't look at her like this. The last time he saw her cheeks tear stained like this he was giving her the oxygen.

"We can't." He turned away from her so he could formulate what he wanted to say. He could never think properly when he was looking at Jemma's crying face. Calmed he turned to face her again. "You started this when you left after you realised the truth of my condition, and I'm ending it." Feeling more confident he faced her finishing, "Now."

"That's _not_ why I left!" she croaked out.

"I needed you and you weren't here," he threw the accusation at her again.

Hopefully she'd run again and then it would just be a case of getting the paperwork to her. But this time she wasn't retreating from him.

"I needed you **_first_** ," she shouted back, "and you weren't…"

"What?" he cut her off.

Realising what she almost shouted at him Jemma went silent. The fear that flooded her eyes left her unable to finish her sentence.

Fitz was confused. Where was he when she'd needed him? _When_ had she needed him?

"What am I mi…m…" He pinched his nose. Took a deep breath and pressed on. "What don't I know? What, Jemma? Tell me." He moved closer trying to push her for an answer. "Tell me. Jemma. Tell. Me."

"When I left, it… it wasn't to see my parents, and it wasn't immediately to go undercover for Coulson."

Fitz picked up on the mood change. Whatever she was hiding, it was something big. And if he ever knew Jemma he knew it was something she had been holding on for far too long.

"Where did you go then?" he asked, more curious than upset in this moment.

"I had to see some about…" She turned away, "About my health."

Fitz felt his stomach drop away realising how oblivious he had been.

"I hadn't been right…" she waved vaguely around room trying to describe it, "my… periods had been off. More painful than they usually were, than they were before… So I took the time I said I was going to see my parents to see a specialist."

Specialist? Why couldn't she look at him and say this? What the hell happened?!

"She figure out what had happened. There had been some undetected problems from my… my miscarriage."

"Your what?" Fitz breathed, stunned as his mind tried to wrap around this news.

They'd made a baby?

When was Jemma pregnant?

When did she… lose it?

Why hadn't she told him?

There were too many questions swarming around in his mind he couldn’t think. Where did he even begin?

"After the issue was diagnosed and I was given the necessary treatment I came back. Only Coulson and May knew when I'd come back. It had been… two weeks? And in that time you had made more of recovery than you had in the month before with me by your side."

She turned, facing him again and he could see all her pain written in her eyes.

"I saw the correlation, spoke to your specialists, and acted in your best interest. I asked Coulson if they were still looking to send someone undercover and volunteered."

Fitz knew there were a few things she'd said there that he should focus on, but he couldn't get past the first shock.

"You were pregnant… When? Why didn't you tell me?" Renewed hurt and anger exploded in his chest. "Did you think I wouldn't have been able to handle it? That-"

" ** _I_** couldn't handle it!" Jemma cut him off with a shout.

There was a tense moment of silence as they both struggled to get their breathing back under control.

As soon as she had her breath shakily under control she kept explaining, "I had the miscarriage while you were in your coma. The one thing I needed the most in the world was for my husband to be by my side, and in that moment you weren't. You were in your own hospital bed kilometres away, in a coma fighting for your life while I was losing our baby."

She breathed heavily, struggling to keep her voice steady as she kept explaining around the growing lump in her throat, "I…I was in and out of the hospital in less than 24 hours… May was with me the whole time, and I ended up telling her all about my legacy status, and Gran. I had to. Apparently, the only things I asked for was you and to enact Gran's protocol to get my way. I was barely processing what was happening. You know how my mind gets under continual stress. I didn't _intend_ to keep it from you, I just…"

A tear escaped her eye as she grabbed his hand, "When you woke, you were so mad and frustrated. All the time. And mainly at yourself." He couldn't meet her eye, instead he kept staring at his hand in hers. "For… for not recovering faster, for not being able to articulate things like you used to, for not being exactly the way you were before the pod. And any time I tried to make you see that different was okay, that I still loved _you_ , that I was just happy you were **_alive_** you… you would go silent and shut me out." Her voice dropped away as she finished, "I was just waiting for you to start blaming me."

That made Fitz snap his eyes back to her face.

"You?!" his voice incredulous. "Why would I ever blame you?"

"Because it was _my fault_!" she snapped. Letting go of his hand she paced as she listed, "I didn't think of the glass sooner. I didn't swim fast enough. I wasn't strong enough to keep our baby. Everything that had gone wrong for us… for _you_ was my fault. You even recovered better without me. I am nothing but a problem to you! And as soon as you realise all this… I don't know what I am going to do! I can't… I'm not… I… Please…"

She was flaying now. Her gestured were erratic. She was on the brink of becoming hysterical. Fitz reached out to her this time. He pulled her into his embrace.

"Jemma… no…"

"I can't lose you too! I can't. I'm not strong enough to go on without you. Please, please Leo don't… I can…" she gasped a repressed sob into his shirt. "I can accept our professional end. That distance you want. But _please_ don't give up on _us_. I'm…" she pressed her face further into his shoulder, her arms squeezing his close, "I'm not strong enough to face that too."

"Why didn't you tell me, Jemma?" he asked softly into her hair.

"When?" she quickly retorted. She pulled back just enough for their eyes to meet. "When would have been a good time for this conversation, Fitz? While you were still in the early stages of your recovery? When you were snapping over any and everything? When I got back from undercover? When you weren't speaking to me?" She pulled back further from him. "When you first asked for a divorce? When should I have started this conversation?"

Fitz didn't know how to respond. He shrugged and said softly, "I don't know. But I deserved to know."

"You're right." Jemma took a few steps back from him, breaking away from his arms.

Fitz felt an ache grow at the absence of her close to him. He always got used to it very quickly.

"This is another way I'm not good for you. Another way I've failed you. I should just sign your papers and leave for good."

She turned away and Fitz felt like if he didn't fix this now, things would _really_ become unfixable.

"I failed you too," he said.

That got her attention. She spun to look at him shock and confusion written all over her face.

"What? How?! How have _you_ ever failed _me_?"

Fitz ran a hand through his hair as the realisation continued to dawn on him all the ways he'd failed in their marriage as he formulated his response. Jemma wasn't the sole reason things hadn't been working.

"I didn't see there was something wrong. I'm supposed to know you better than anyone and I let you hide away. I was so self-absorbed about what happened to me, that I forgot you had suffered too. I'm sorry."

He stepped forward and grabbed her hands.

"I'm sorry I failed you when you needed me, Jemma." He squeezed her hands to stop her from voicing the object he could see in her eye. "I did. You shouldn't have had to tell me like this. I should have seen something was wrong. I did, and I didn't bother trying to find out what. _I'm_ meant to be the person who knows you better than _anyone_ , and I didn't…"

"Fitz-"

"No!" he cut her off forcibly. "If you can take the blame for what happened at the bottom of the ocean and _my_ recovery, then I can take this. I should have seen something was wrong and instead I let it drive us apart."

Jemma's lips quirked at the corner.

"Maybe we can compromise; we both didn't handle things well."

"Agreed," he grinned back. "But not anymore?"

"What?"

Fitz felt warmth flood him as he watched hope bloom in her eyes. How could he really think he would be better without Jemma? That one look had made him feel better than he had in _months_. His growing friendships with Mack and Hunter had **_nothing_** on this feeling.

"We tell each other everything, again. And if it's something we're order to not speak of we just say that."

At his words a smile lit up Jemma's face.

Oh, how he had missed that expression. It had been _far too long_ since he's seen that smile.

Smiling back he couldn't stop himself from leaning forward and meeting her lips with his own.

Jemma must have been surprised at his bold move because she gasped. Fitz went to pull back and apologise. But Jemma got over her surprise and instead held his head close for another kiss.

He'd nearly forgotten how amazing it was simply to kiss Jemma and be kissed by her. The smell of her… Her taste… The feel of her close… she surrounded him… consumed him. It took him back to so many good times they'd shared.

All the love they shared. Their awkward first date. The day she agreed to marry him. Their first time together. The day she told him she loved him. The day his ma had warmly told him she agreed he'd found his one. The expression on Weaver face when they told her they had already married with Jemma's Gran as a signed witness. The first time he met her family and she boldly told them he was the most brilliant man she'd ever met. The first day he spoke to her when they'd been paired in Chem. lab.

Eventually they pulled back slightly from each other, grins on their faces that they couldn't stop.

They would get through this.

"Together?" Jemma softly asked, as if she had just read his thoughts and was confirming how they were moving forward.

"Together," he confirmed with a nod.

He brought her fingers to his lips as he kissed them. Kissed the wedding and engagement rings she still wore. When he left here he would go retrieve his own from where he'd thrown it in his sock draw.

"It won't be easy."

"Nothing worth doing ever is," she beamed back.

Fitz nodded. They weren't fixed. They were still a long way from that. But for the first time, in a very long time, he felt like they were on the right track.

Together they would get back to where they were.

No. That's not right.

They would get to a different place; a _better_ place.

Because together there wasn't anything that could stand in their way.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think of this addition.


End file.
